What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner