A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.