[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast