sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
In banana years, I am bread.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*