I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle