[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.