[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise