[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
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Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?