Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
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[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”