I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
The two types of wives
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*