going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
huge if true: the moon
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.