Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
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[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I drew y’all a little something.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground