If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
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NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.