Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
She was REALLY feeling it.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69