SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
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Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Happy weekend !
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.