your honor my client chooses dare
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like