Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?