ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
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her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.