I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
HELP 😭
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Awesome parenting 😂
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?