By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
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May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell