Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁