The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
These aliens are taking forever.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O