me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
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[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Finally! 😈
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.