I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.