Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind