MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
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Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?