I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?