If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
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Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.