Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?