My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
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[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
They did not think through this water fountain
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.