Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression