Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.