“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*