So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
next question.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say