If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
so weird how every mom was born today
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.