Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up