If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event