Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!