[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
You Might Also Like
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.