I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
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My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it