Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.