I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’