Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
You Might Also Like
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
BRAKING NEWS!!
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
thanksgiving in nutshell
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile