“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.