*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.