Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
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He-man has a Masters degree
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.