I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.