*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
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It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Stop sending me this shit.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.