*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
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CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep