There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
More like Kate Missington.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.